Who

Remember when you used to come home from school and your mom and dad would ask you how your day was, and you would just say—“Good”?  Regardless of whether you discovered the solution for world peace in social studies class, or got all of your teeth knocked out playing dodgeball in gym class, or were elected class president and were carried through the halls on your classmates’ shoulders, or you got sent to the principal’s office ten times in one day, your day was always just…good.

That’s kind of how I feel right now (although I really did have a good—maybe great—day…I promise).  Sometimes after a really full day, I find myself forgetting who I am; feeling like I’m just good.  I talked to so many people today, thought about so many things, sat in meetings, heard presentations, made presentations, checked my email, made some calls, checked my email again, blasted music, listened, inquired.  I was a coworker, a friend, an employee, a customer, a stranger, a roommate and after all that, I think—“Who am I?...without all of this other stuff.  What did I do today?”  And I can’t come up with a good answer. 

I think those thoughts are lies.

Praise God that each and every day there is an answer to those questions.  How often I take for granted that whether I feel like myself or not (whatever that means), whether I am tired or alert, regardless of what things filled my life that day, I can know that because I “received Him” and “believed in His name” I have the right to be called “God’s [child]” (John 1:12).  My identity is determined and set in blood, and “I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.” (Galatians 2:20).

Here are a few lines from a poem I wrote last summer:

I hope there’s never a me

I want to be only He who was and is

I’ll deny all I find that defines less than a shell of the Divine

Tonight I am thankful that I can fall asleep knowing Who I am and Who I will wake up to be.

Hope and Hard Work

…no, that isn’t the title of Justin Bieber’s new album (that’s Believe and it did drop today—good luck, JB).

A couple of weeks ago my friend said these exact words to me:

“You have to have hope, and you have to work hard”

I wrote them down shortly after that because, in that moment, I felt the profoundness of such a simple statement—even though at the time I’m not sure that I was thinking clearly enough to really let it sink in.

Completely exclusive of this event, I have been stuck in 1 Peter.  I keep reading the entire book over and over again.  As I was reading last night I realized that two of the most prevalent themes in 1 Peter are just that:

Hope and hard work.

“According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ.” (1:3)

“Set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (1:13)

“…always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you.” (3:15)

And…

“…so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor.” (1:7)

“Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart.” (1:22)

“Abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.” (2:11)

It’s hard for me to know how much I should surrender control to God and how much I should exercise the free will that He’s given me.  Really, I need both.

Sometimes I need to get on my face when I want to get on the phone.  I need to get in the Word when I want to get in my bed.  I need to stand firm and fight when I want to wallow in weakness.

But none of those things mean anything without a Holy expectation.  Without the knowledge that I am not meant for the brokenness of this world, I am not who I once was, and life will proceed from death.

And sometimes the Lord lets us sweat.  He lets us feel, and see, and taste the salt of our hard work.  Tonight was one of those nights for me.  God lead me in to a place I thought I might never go, and there He showed me the ways that He has matured me and refined me through difficult situations; he wrote redemption in a conversation would have never existed four years ago.

Let hard work be my habit, and Hope be my guide.

Sleeping on the Couch

I have been doing this thing lately where I like to sleep on my couch at night.  At first I thought I was just in need of some new surroundings.  Sleeping on the couch made it easier to wake up to my alarm in the morning.  And the couch wasn’t much different from my twin-sized bed anyways.  I’m not so sure anymore because I’ve gotten in to the habit so much that the “new surroundings” are now comfortably familiar, it’s still painful to wake up in the morning, and I have my queen-sized bed back in my new apartment----open and empty and, yet, it sits cold.

The other day the Lord reminded me about Uriah—the seemingly insignificant character in the story of David and Bathsheba.  You’ve never heard a sermon about God’s grace mixed with the consequences of sin without hearing the story of David and Bathsheba: David is king.  David “lays with” Bathsheba out of wedlock while she is still married.  Bathsheba gets pregnant.  David tries to make it look like it’s Uriah’s (Bathsheba’s husband) baby.  That doesn’t work.  David has Uriah killed.  The son dies.  Later David and Bathsheba have another son and the Lord loves him.  It’s your classic Old Testament episode of Maury.

The character no one talks about is Uriah.  But in my phase of couch-sleeping, the Lord reminded me about Uriah who also refused to sleep in his proper place at home.  The details of the story are that Uriah was away at war when David conceived a son with Bathsheba.  To try and cover it up, King David had Uriah brought home from war for a time in hopes that Uriah would sleep with his wife and no one would think twice about where the baby came from.

“But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and did not go down to his house.” (2 Samuel 11:9)

When David asked Uriah why he didn’t sleep at home, Uriah replied:

“The ark and Israel and Judah dwell in booths, and my lord Joab and the servants of my lord are camping in the open field. Shall I then go to my house, to eat and to drink and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing.” (2 Samuel 11:11)

In a last ditch effort to cover up his sin, David gets Uriah drunk the next night—still hoping he will go home to Bathsheba—but “in the evening [Uriah] went out to lie on his couch with the servants of his lord, but he did not go down to his house.” (2 Samuel 11:13).

Humility.  Dedication.  Loyalty.  Uriah is so committed to his mission in battle and to the people he is fighting with that he evades even the most innocent opportunity for personal comfort.  He would rather sleep on the floor outside the king’s house or on his couch with servants than enjoy life’s pleasures while his friends are at war.  His dedication is such that even when his mind is sabotaged and David makes him drunk, Uriah still sticks to his conviction.

I get so excited when God speaks to me through the details in His Living Word—I can be thinking about sleeping on my couch and God has already written Scripture about that!

I want the heart and mind of Uriah—a heart so sure of its mission that it will endure sacrifice; so pure that it will not be swayed.  I want to sleep on the couch of humility forever.

40

I am a to-do list girl (not hard to imagine if you know me or have read my blog). I have actually been known to plan to plan for things (e.g. “Let’s plan to sit down this Saturday and plan our trip to Philadelphia”).  I like to think of things that need to get done, and I’m really good at thinking of things I want to do.  Unfortunately, I’m also really good at not always doing them.  You could assume I’m more of a “strategist” and less of an “executor,” but I don’t actually think that’s true.  Praise God that we don’t (always) have to live in labels.  Sometimes I am really good at being the one who gets things done, and other times I am the planner.

When it comes to changes I want to make in my life or things I want to pursue, though, I am more of a thinker and less of a do-er.  I want to get better at that. 

In one of our classes in The Fellows Program we were challenged to determine the eight most important areas of our life, evaluate our current status in each of those areas, and then make an action plan for how we are going to get from where we are to where we want to be in each of those areas.  At first, the thought of planning out every area of my life seemed daunting and almost anti-faithful.  Shouldn’t I be trusting God to make changes in my life through the power of His Holy Spirit rather than planning them myself?  But as I went through the process, I realized how important it is to make sure I am doing all that I can to be a good steward of everything I have in each arena of my life.  We must be “alert and sober-minded” (1 Peter 5:8), and to do so I need to think critically about the different areas of my life.

Anyways, I was running through the city the other night (something I love to do), and I decided I need to write more.  And I don’t want to just talk about needing to write more, I want to do it.

So I decided I’m going to write in my blog for 40 days straight.  Perhaps my posts will not be eloquent or verbose, but I will write each day.

There are a few reasons why I’m doing this:

One is because I like to write—I think.  And I think a lot of times the Holy Spirit can bear fruit from the things we really like to do, because there is passion involved and passion gets things done.

The most important reason I’m writing is because when I write, I have new eyes.  I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but when I know I’m going to/when I want to write in my blog I look at things differently.  I notice the significance of things more.  But I don’t doubt that God can use something like a blog for that very purpose.  There is so much glory and truth in everyday life, and it’s easy to miss it if I’m not looking for it.  All of creation groans (Romans 8:22), but I can walk through creation any given day and not hear a thing.  I’m hoping that writing will help me to see a little bit more.

Lastly, I’m going to write for 40 days because really important things in the Bible happened in 40 days (see Noah surviving the flood after it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and Jesus fasting in the desert for 40 days)…so I’m hoping to get on that train.  All aboard!

Ice Cream (I Scream)

The other night I was going on a run (slow jog) in Sewickley.  It was a beautiful summer evening, dusk, about 7:30pm, and right as I was running through the main street in town I passed by a family who was eating ice cream in their parked car on the side of the street.

A strange feeling came over me in that moment that caused me to whisper under my short breaths: “God, I don’t want to eat ice cream in my car.”

I still don’t fully know what that meant.  All I know is that in that moment, I decided I never want to eat ice cream in my car.

Eating ice cream in your car is a little like lighting a lamp and then putting it under a bowl.  Or moving mountains with your faith and then not loving the people around you.

By God’s grace, the very next night I found myself eating ice cream outside on the steps of a beautiful church in the city with three Spirit-filled women who reached out to me at a particularly perfect time.  I love that God continues to write redemption in the little details of life.

“I wanna yell it from the rooftops, I’ll wear a sign on my chest, it’s the least I can do”  -Gavin

Weak = Strong

My 17 year-old "little" brother, Evan, is wise beyond his years!  I am so proud of the man of God he has become, and I look up to his poise and character.  Read this guest blog post from him below.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9,10)

It's so easy to look at our weaknesses and tell ourselves we are, well, weak. But as God told Paul, His power is made perfect in our weakness, so we shouldn't discourage ourselves over our (God-given) weaknesses but rather delight in them because we are strong (through Him) when we are weak. And I truly believe and have gratefully experienced that when we delight in our weaknesses, God will reveal Himself to us and through us.

We all have weaknesses: we can't all belt it like Adele, we don't all 'enjoy doing math' like one Mr. Tom Lebo (shout out to my favorite brother), and we can't all toss the pigskin like Tebow.

Sure, those may be weaknesses, but I think we all know that those aren't our true weaknesses. Our true weaknesses might sound a little like this: we're afraid to stand up for our God, or we don't devote enough time to worshipping the Lord or resting in the Word, or, like in my case, we struggle to put 100 percent of our trust and faith in our Lord and Savior.

But, as I encourage you to strive to do, I'm learning to not be ashamed of those weaknesses and difficulties but instead first, cast my weaknesses upon our loving and gracious God and second, delight in those weaknesses so Christ's power may rest on me, because as the Lord told Paul "my power is made perfect in weakness." So remember, weak=strong.

Why I want my heart to be broken

There are times when God’s word hits me like a lead bib at the dentist.  It is in these moments that I understand the truth that “man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the Father” (Matthew 4:4).  It is in these moments that I feel foolish for ever getting frustrated that God “doesn’t speak to me,” and I realize that my longings for a booming voice of thunder from God can be satisfied each and every day by the words He is still speaking in His Living Word—the Bible.  Praise Him!

There is a short verse in Ephesians that says “figure out what pleases the Lord” (5:10).  It has always struck me as incredible that He would trust us with that task.  But the picture is so peaceful and comforting—like a dad who watches his precious child learn to walk and can only smile each time the toddler falls back down before getting it just right.  Today God spoke powerfully to me through His word, and I think I just might have “figured out” something about pleasing Him.

I’ve noted before that I am a planner.  I am a “fixer” and a controller.  I like practical solutions.  I have known for awhile that God doesn’t always work that way.  He is outside the realm of the natural, so I have to believe that His “solutions” don’t always fit within the confines of my little brain and imagination.  But despite knowing that, it is still so easy to get caught up in the action plan for how to fix things.

This is true especially in the case of sin.  I’ve noticed in my life that when conviction comes and sin is brought to light, my knee-jerk reaction is “What can I do to fix this?”  I know that in Jesus Christ my relationship with God is “fixed” from sin, but I immediately assume control of figuring out what I must do going forward to keep me from that sin.  Recently I have even deceived myself (and made this all the more confusing) by trying to make “freedom” in to a sort of plan.  e.g. “I don’t want to get too caught up in making a plan or controlling my circumstances so I am deciding to simply live in freedom.”  This might be closer to the truth (see my post on why), but it is still not what pleases the Lord if I am simply substituting “making a plan to get free from sin” with “making a plan to live in freedom”.  Neither of those address the real issue with sin.

The real issue with my sin is that it grieves the heart of God (see Ephesians 4:30).  So when I sin against Him, my heart should be broken:

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)

God does not want our plans to live in boundaries or in freedom.  He wants our hearts.  And when our hearts belong to God, they should be overwhelmingly distressed by the thought of doing anything that would hurt Him.

“I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings.” (Hosea 6:6)

The solution to sin, then—when we have a full “acknowledgement of God”—will not have to be a plan.  If we are really in touch with how much our sin grieves God, we will be motivated to stay far away from it.

Why is this concept so much easier in practice on earth?  I have no trouble being motivated to act in a way that will keep me in good standing with my parents or my friends.  Why is it so much harder with God?—maybe because He seems far away?  We don’t have to literally look Him in the face every day and admit our wrongdoing (like we might have to do with friends and family).  Maybe because we are so clear about His grace and mercy that we forget that He is a jealous God who is deeply affected by our transgressions?  After all, His grace is not a robotic movement that is automatically activated after each time we sin.  He cares, and He feels, and He is hurt by my sin.

Father, let me see Your face clearly before me!  Let my closeness to You be such that I am motivated by love to do everything in my power to never grieve your heart.  And let me never lose my joy and zeal for grace, knowing that You extend it from an affectionate, feeling heart.