Today, as we were driving our respective road trip routes, MK and I talked about passion and plans and adulthood. It's a weird feeling to be in the stage of life where we can actually start accomplishing the things that have always been on our heart to do. It's also a weird feeling to realize that things don't always turn out the way you expected.

In the midst of our conversation, MK re-stated the passion the Lord has given her to fight for women and children, and we talked about how that might actually look much different in practice than she had once thought. But she cannot and will not abandon that dream. That dream that God wrote on the "tablet of her human heart" (2 Corinthians 3:3).

Tonight, before getting in to the bed I slept in for 9+ years of my life in the house where my childhood was scripted, I pulled out an old journal that was sitting on a shelf in my room. I flipped to the pages that were written on this time, eight years ago--Summer of 2004. On one of them in particular I had written some notes about Scripture I had been reading along with a short phrase in which I felt I might be discerning a heart for ministry with youths. Those years in the Oxygen youth group with the community of believers who would become my foundation and family until this day were some of the most formative years in my spiritual life. I remember a desire that began to stir in me at that time to affect the lives of kids for the Gospel in the same way that mine had been radically transformed. I found I wanted to share the reasons for the hope I have with people who needed it.

Here I am, and that dream--never lost but tucked away--has potential to become reality; in some ways, it already has. Certainly not in the fashion I might have expected, but only in God's perfect will and timing.

Do not abandon the words the Lord writes on your heart.  Possess them, nurture them, pursue them, and leave space for God to fulfill them in His own unique way.

Wholes

His hands heal holes
So we are not two halves, but wholes

Bold as a lion

This morning I had a really bad dream. It was one of those lucid dreams that takes place in the time between when your alarm goes off and the snooze alarm goes off. There were spiders. And puppies. That's all I'll say. But it left me in a funk once I finally got out of bed and had to rush to get dressed.  I had a couple of minutes before work, and I read this verse:  "the righteous are bold as a lion."(Proverbs 28:1) It stuck with me all day. When I think of boldness I think of evangelism. Or taking big steps of faith. But I was reminded this morning that we can and must be bold in the small details of life. Like standing on the Word of God and worshipping after a bad spider dream. Deciding I will NOT let a silly dream keep me from my mission.  #rawr #leggo

20 Things I Love About Being An Adult

I don't recommend growing up to anyone.  Really, when people tell you “your college years will be the best years of your life”—believe them (for the most part).  But I will assure you—growing up does happen.  And I think it's important to make the best of every season of life and “give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).  With that in mind, I would like to present:

20 Things I Love About Being An Adult:

1. Saying "Voicemail, please" when the receptionist buzzes my work phone with a cold call on the line.

2. Not worrying about what my friends and I owe each other. Getting to say "I'll get this one" and pick up the check.

3. Being an "alumnae", having an alma mater, and saying the phrase "When I was in college..."

4. Getting to know lots of different people. In my heart, I am very much a "roll with my crew" kind of person, but socializing in the adult world is much different, and I'm getting in to it. One might get coffee with someone one night, drinks with someone the next who doesn't know coffee person, and dinner the next night with someone who doesn't know either of those people.  Kinda fun.

5. Transitioning from Facebook messages to Email.

6. Saying words like "essentially" and "privy" in every day conversation.

7. Going to weddings of my friends but feeling like they’re just “grown up” proms.

8. Seeing more clearly in to things I thought when I was younger. Probably two of the biggest misconceptions I had when I was younger that I think differently about now that I’ve matured are:
       A) You need spend your adolescence and college years "finding yourself".  What does that even mean? You will become more comfortable with yourself as you get older, but there is no need to find a well-defined mold to fit in and stay there.  “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew 10:39)
       B) You will find your fulfillment in what you do for a career. Not always. There is so much pressure to "do what you love".  If that happens—praise!  But sometimes work is just work--difficult and exhausting--and there is great satisfaction to be found in things other than a profession. Namely, knowing Christ and establishing your personal ministry.

9. Always having an excuse to either go to bed early or stay up late.
Exhibit A (8:30pm): "Time for me to go to bed, I gotta get up early for work tomorrow”

Exhibit B (11pm): "Let's go to Eat N Park! I'm not gonna let work get in the way of my social life!"

10. Still not knowing what I want to be when I grow up but actually having the time, freedom, and space to figure it out by trying different things.

11. Being friends with people I would have never been friends with in high school and realizing that all of those social classes really were nonsense.

12. Carrying a mom wallet, a la:

13. Getting to know the opposite sex in a mature manner that doesn't include AIM conversations or getting your friends to "ask who he likes".

14. Making a decision to not watch a movie or TV show because I think it's a bad idea and not because my mom looked it up on screenit.com and said I couldn't watch it.

15. Asking and answering the question “So, what do you do?”

16. Being referred to as “that lady” by moms talking to their toddlers who are in the way at the store.

17. Taking my glasses on and off to see different distances.

18. Realizing there are things I remember that the younger generation never knew (portable CD players, rewinding videos, not having to dial the area code…)

19. Communicating with lots of different people over email at work and then meeting them in real life and A) laughing inside because they are nothing like what I pictured and then B) shaking their hand and saying “Nice to finally meet you, we’ve exchanged so many emails” in unison.

20. Not knowing what will happen or what I will do next.  Not having a scheduled “end date” to what I’m doing now.

Candy bars and heart tablets

331 days have passed since I started working at Clover Hill Foods, and today I did something I have never done before: I used the company vending machine.

4pm snack time + no groceries at my house + carrying cash from paying tolls this weekend meant it was time to slip my first dollar in to the rectangular box that eats your money 50% of the time and is filled with who-knows-how-old snack food…who says life isn’t about taking risks?!

As I approached the faded glass I was looking for something remotely healthy that would hold me over until dinner, and this is what I ended up with:

Ahh, old faithful—Oats ‘N Honey Nature Valley bar.  As I crunched my snack that always makes me slightly nervous that my two front teeth are going to break and which inevitably produces a 2:1 crumbs:actually-makes-it-in-my-mouth ratio, my ol’ marketing mind got to work.  I realized that I picked the Nature Valley bar simply because of its advertising.  Who doesn’t associate that all-familiar green and yellow package with a “healthy snack”?...plus, anything with the word “Nature” in the name has to be good for you, right?  I realized as I was eating it that, in actuality, I have no idea if those two pesky little bars are really any better for me than the box of cookies sitting on my desk.  All I can do is trust what I see.

In the most cliché but confronting way, the experience got me thinking about what my life says.  What do people see when they look at me?  Would they be able to pick me out and describe me in a way that reflects Christ?  Or in my mind am I the “healthy snack” but really this is all they see:

 

(Sorry if this is your favorite candy, but these are so weird)

“Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart.” (Proverbs 3:3)

Talk is Cheap

There are four songs that I literally can’t stop listening to right now.  I try to move on, but they always creep their way back in to my “Now Playing” over and over again.  They are the roll-down-your-window-let-your-hair-get-messed-up-and-sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs kind of songs, and, most of all, they each ignite the joy that lives within my soul.

One of the songs by Eric Hutchinson has these lyrics:

I’ll go by what you do

Cuz talk is cheap

Today I was reading one of my friends’ writing and remembered how true that is…well, kinda.  There are a lot of times when words are really important.  When we must “be prepared to give an answer for the hope we have.” (1 Peter 3:15)

But if we can’t live like that hope is true, there is no point.

It’s a little bit awkward to bring up this subject in a blog, because that’s exactly what I do here...write, talk.  But truthfully, if I gain wisdom or see something in a new way and I write some fancy words about it or tell a few friends, but I don’t do anything with it, then I wish that I hadn’t even mentioned it.  I am “a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” (1 Corinthians 13:1)

This is convicting for me as I think about my last few weeks at work.  A variety of circumstances has caused me to really have to “lean in” (sometimes there just isn’t a phrase that works as well as Christian-ese) at work lately—work very diligently and for longer hours.  I have found, however, in the midst of this that I take less and less time to invest in the relationships around me.  It’s business as usual with no eternal perspective.  Each day has become an inbox of emails to get through, a meeting agenda to prepare, and a To-Do list to carve away at—no time for real talk or soul-building.

That can’t be.  I refuse to be that girl who writes in her blog but acts like everyone else.

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)

Thank you, Jesus, for your gentle yet powerful conviction.

(In case you’re wondering, here is my 4-song can’t stop-won’t stop playlist: “I Asked You For Life” and “Can I Have More of You” by Kim Walker and “Talk is Cheap” and “Best Days” by Eric Hutchinson)

New place

It is always crazy to me when I think about where I am and where I was. Here I am laying on my bed in Pittsburgh. Just six hours ago I was hugging my brothers at a Japanese restaurant and this time last night I was in the middle of a dance floor on the other side of the state. We are never too far from a new "place", and it doesn't take much to get there.

Why it's okay to love life

In the Christian life, we are so quick to quote scripture that reminds us “in this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33).  “Suffering produces…character” (Romans 5:4).  “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away” (Job 1:21).

True.  God’s word is always true, and it doesn’t take ten minutes of living in the world for this truth to be confirmed.  Life is difficult and complex and sometimes painful.

With this in mind, I think we (meaning “I”) often “sell” the Gospel like this:

“It’s going to be hard, you will not live a perfect life, but it will be worth it when you get to spend eternity in Heaven and know God for the rest of your life on earth.”

Not bad.  Not wrong.  But I read a short phrase in 1 Peter 3 (of course) the other day that made me think differently:

“Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.”

Love life.

Here are direct instructions in God’s Word for how we can love life!  Am I the only one who gets excited about that?!  There have been several times in the last twenty-three years that have caused me to pause and think, “I LOVE life!”  Sometimes it’s in the dramatic moments of connecting on a soul-level with another person or becoming overwhelmed by something in God’s creation.  Other times it’s in the simplicities of every day life like I wrote about yesterday.  But accompanying that feeling is often some small pang of guilt.  Some other thought like, “Well even if I didn’t love life, that would be okay, too, because I have Jesus.  And maybe I shouldn’t love life so much.  Maybe I need to suffer more because there are so many people who don’t have the circumstances or opportunity to love life.”  Or there is that other superficial thought that thinks only people who are standing on the bar at 2:30am say things like “I LOVE life”—and they don’t really mean it.

Despite these thoughts.  Despite the suffering and pain that are inevitable in a fallen world.  We can really love life!  #WAHOO #LEGGO

Salvation is not a formula and life is not an equation, but here is a pretty promising one:

Love Christ  +  Avoid evil  +  Do good  +  Pursue peace  =  Love life

That’s a Gospel I’ll sign up for.

Pickup trucks, thunderstorms, and espresso

 This morning I had a lot on my mind.  Nothing serious or significant—just a lot of to-dos, errands, and some stress swirling around in my already-overwhelmed mind.  I was on my way from one stop to the next when I called my friend, MK, to ask her if she wanted me to pick her up in 10 minutes for the second leg of errands.  After I quickly spit out the request (probably in my matter-of-fact, business-y tone), MK responded in her most-typical jovial fashion—she exclaimed that she would “LOVE!” for me to pick her up so she could take her first ever ride in my new car “and then we go to Starbucks and get Americanos!”

In that very second, something in my spirit shifted.  MK had no idea what was happening, but it was almost as if the Spirit in me was activated by engaging the joy of the Spirit in her.  All of the sudden, everything was put in perspective, and any stress I had disappeared in the light of a close friendship and a soul that is glad.

It’s really true that “a cheerful heart is good medicine.” (Proverbs 17:22)

For the rest of today, I have found myself able to appreciate the small gifts that make life so fun.  Like taking an extra lap around the neighborhood in the back of the pickup truck before MK drove it home.  Or letting all of my senses engage the evening thunderstorm.  Or spending a couple of extra minutes chatting around the dinner table after avocado and tomato turkey burgers.

Sometimes life is just not meant to be taken so seriously.  I’m so thankful for friends like MK whose happy spirit help me gain perspective and for times when the Lord reminds that I like to have fun and be light in the Light.

Love and Wings

This weekend I am home in Philadelphia to be in the wedding of my beautiful friend, Melissa.  Amidst the dinners, dresses, nails, hair, make up, vows, arm locking, toasts, and dances, I’m reminded that these days are really about one thing—love. 

When I think about the significance of love and marriage, what I believe is of most importance is what we do with that deep love, should we find it.  How does it compel us?  To where does it take us?  Deep love, such in marriage, creates a risk in our relationship with God, as Paul warned us, because our “interests are divided” (1 Corinthians 7: 34).  But deep love also gives us great opportunity. 

“Perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18).  Love gives us confidence and courage.  It lets us go to unknown places and take on uncomfortable circumstances because we know, at the end of the day, someone is there for us.  Surely, this Goliath-facing love comes from the Lord—“we love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).  In fact, God doesn’t just give us that love, He is that love (1 John 4:16).  But one of the great joys of life is that He has given us, humans, the ability to experience that same love with one another.  “If we love one another, God lives in us and His love his made complete in us” (1 John 4:12).  We get to experience God’s love in each other!  And because this perfect love leaves us without anything to fear, we don’t have to be preoccupied with the other person.  We don’t have to be constantly focused on winning their approval, worrying that we might lose it and be left alone.  Because when the love is real and deep, we don’t have to be scared.  Instead, we are free to take risks, especially ones which will see the gospel of Christ and His kingdom advanced on earth.

And so in love—whether manifested in marriage, soul-connecting friendships, or family bonds—we have two choices: we can let it distract us from our relationship with our Savior, or we can let it give us wings to fly to places we might not have gone.